My Jade

I am constantly amazed at my children. Today Jade gave a talk in Primary...probably one of her last. First I have to say I am grateful that their father called me to tell me that she had a talk, so I could be there to hear it. I am quite sure Jade wanted me to come (it was a daddy weekend) and she is very persistent. What I did not know was that she mentioned me in her talk. Her subject was about thankfulness. At the end of her talk she used the letters to the word thanksgiving to tell what she was thankful for. For letter A she said she was grateful for "Andrea, who is my mommy." Nothing means more to me than hearing that she is thankful for me. Nothing. There is more! After she ended her talk one of the leaders said "I bet if the letter P was in Thanksgiving you would say you were thankful for Primary." Jade said, "or Piper." Double wow! I don't think I ever would have thought about being thankful for my siblings at age 11. Of course I am thankful for them but as an 11 year old I was more interested in soccer, basketball, and track and field, and NOT my siblings. How grateful and humbled I am by my daughters. They have taught me more about everything than anything before them.

My dream

When I was young I wanted to be a football player. Soccer was acceptable for girls to play, but not football. My dream was to go to BYU and be the place kicker...my way of finding a way to play football. My favorite movie was the called something like the Quarterback Queen and it was about a girl who played football at a high school in Oregon. My favorite halloween costume was a football player. I used to go through the JC Penny catalogs and look at the football costumes you could buy. I did try to play Rugby when I lived in Hong Kong in 2003 but my body was just beginning to break down and I sprained my ankle. I was so close. I hurt my ankle the practice before we practiced tackling:(. Don't get me wrong, I loved soccer, it is my favorite sport. But football...ahhh...I had a dream. Now I watch football when I can and love talking about college football with my mom. It's one of the things we have in common...watching college football and talking about it. Maybe in Heaven I will play. That would be one of my ideas of what Heaven is like:)

The world is a small place

I just got off the phone with a sister who I taught in the MTC. Her husband is SSA. After I posted on FB that I was SSA she messaged me to tell me that she had just returned from a conference helping wives whose husbands are gay. I love how small the world is and how great inspiration works. My next big project is to write an essay and send it to , a group that are people who are gay and their loved ones, striving to follow the teachings of the gospel. I am so impressed with those couples who are able to stay married and active. I am so grateful to this sister who reached out and talked with me. I am not a group type of person but there is something to be said about finding people who understand. I don't really have that in my neck of the woods. I hope I can start to make a difference.

This past week I have felt a great amount of support from many of my good friends and family. I am so grateful for all them. THANK YOU! This post is going to be about free agency. I had a discussion with a lady at the gym. I am usually not a talkative person when I am working out but for some reason this gal seemed like a very open person. Initially we talked about the tv show that was on, I asked her where she was originally from, etc. Get to know you questions. While talking with her, I had the feeling I should open up to her about myself on a more personal level. I had already figured out she was gay and had a girlfriend. She knew I was LDS and served a mission. So I dived in and told I was SGA (same gender attracted). She told me she was wondering if that was the case. And then she started asking me a million questions. Like, how could I give up the possibility of a sexual relationship, did my family disown me, and the one I usually get, doesn't the church kick people like me out. It was an interesting conversation to say the least. To answer her the question about not having a sexual relationship I pointed out to her that no matter who you are, your orientation, your marital status, relationship status, and plain old living breathing person, we are all giving up one thing for another. We are in a constant state of choices and consequences. And we should be in a constant state of taking responsibility or owning our choices and the consequences. This is what I am trying to teach my girls. I give them choices and try to help them see the possible consequences but allow them ultimately to make the choice. This lady at the gym was one of the very few people I have told about myself that actually understood what I was trying to point out. Yes I am gay, yes I am LDS, yes I choose to be active in the church and yes I am not in a sexual relationship. I have learned, the hard way, that no matter the excuse, your choices are yours. Satan would have us believe we are forced into things or that its not our fault. Anything to get us to avoid the reality of our choices and their consequences. I avoided my choices and consequences for many years. I tried not to think about who I was hurting. I tried very hard to blame others for my choices. All of that time I lost because I chose to run away from my choices. I can never get those years back. However I can choose now to do better. I have had people become very upset with me for not following their idea of how I should live my life...from both the LDS and non-LDS sides. I try very hard to make choices based on my relationship with Heavenly Father. I know my life choices will not make sense to many people. But I am not living my life for other people. I am not perfect at it but I am trying and I won't give up trying. And I respect that each one of us has the God given right to choose for themselves.

BYU Athlete

My mind jumps around most of the day. I tend to work more intently if I have several things going on like music. As I was taking a break I read the article in Sports Illustrated about the BYU athlete suspended for what appears to be drinking alcohol in Las Vegas. He's a returned missionary and everything! That was sarcastic by the way. As an RM (returned missionary) there tends to be this unspoken expectation that you are void of making mistakes...hmmm. During my 18 year battle with an eating disorder I was a missionary, a mom, an active member of the church, temple attending, married in the temple, etc. When I finally accepted the love that was already there for me from my Father in Heaven, it was at that point that I realized the gospel was not about being perfect. Those 18 years came crashing down. And a miracle happened. I recovered from my eating disorder It took another 6 months or so, but I have been free of it for 8 + years. Truly a miracle as most who struggle with eating disorders never fully recover and stay recovered. I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me even though I was gay, even though I was mean to my family growing up, was arrested for shoplifting (at age 27) food while I was unemployed, struggled with attending church during the winter, and the list can go on and on. The gospel is truly about repentance and faith. It is so very simple. Love God and your neighbor. When I had that perspective my life changed. I began to heal many parts of my life. I could see how I had a part in destroying my marriage, compassion and remorse for those who I hurt, and compassion for myself. This big burly BYU football player made some bad choices. We all do. We are all beggars. I wish that young man finds the peace that is there for all of us.

My I

This all started Sunday night as I was getting ready for bed. I had a "moment." Which to me means following a feeling, or inspiration. So I did. My facebook coming out. Really it was something I thought about for a while but didn't feel like it was the time. But Sunday was the time. Since those close to me have known for many years it was a surprise to me to see all of the responses. And I felt very grateful and honored. The title of this blog came to me as I was on my lunch break walking and thinking of the responses. I thought I should start a blog. To me this is something I have been avoiding for a long time. I kept a journal for most of my life until my divorce. But since my dad passed a year and half ago, restarting a blog/journal has been on my mind. And I guess my inspiration Sunday to come out of facebook led me to this. Writing about my personal life again. The title came to me as I was walking. I thought about the car game my kids play, "I spy with my eye", which means asking questions and trying to figure out what has been spied. I guess I feel like SSA (same sex attraction, or gay) has been that way for me. It took me many years to figure out this part of me. I used an 18 year long battle with an eating disorder to try and lose it. But in the end, it was there. I don't like talking about me. I like to talk about my girls, my mission, living in China, soccer, basketball, football, archeology, but not me. But since my inspiration on Sunday, I feel like it is an important task. I know that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and so I am willing to do things I would not normally attempt. I am leaving this blog open. I would love feedback on what to write. I will try and not mention my ex husband and his family which is why the address has my maiden name.